202 – How Toxic Lovers Use Intermittent Reinforcement

Toxic lovers will “neg” you, tease you, lovebomb you, and act surprised when you demand attention. So why does inconsistency keep us “hooked” for so long?

Today we delve into the psychology of toxic relationships through one of history’s messiest love stories. In 1812, poet Lord Byron and aristocrat Caroline Lamb ignited an affair so chaotic it scandalized all of England. She called him “mad, bad, and dangerous to know,” and still couldn’t stay away. He courted her with passion, then vanished for weeks. She sent him letters sealed with blood. We ask: what drives people to love the ones who hurt them?

From that 19th-century drama, we pull the thread forward to intermittent reinforcement, the behavioral pattern where unpredictable rewards keep people hooked longer than consistent affection ever could. We explore how Byron’s hot-and-cold affection mirrored the experiments of Pavlov, showing that humans are wired to chase inconsistent rewards. We connect this principle to modern dating and emotional manipulation: the boss who alternates cruelty with praise, the partner who love-bombs and ghosts in cycles, and the friend who weaponizes attention. Then we discuss how this dynamic masquerades as passion, when in fact it’s dopamine chaos disguised as love.

Finally, we share tools for awareness and recovery. We propose a deceptively simple fix; track behavior, not feelings.

Links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/life-after-50/201701/love-me-love-me-not

https://www.simplypsychology.org/pavlov.html

https://kirkcenter.org/reviews/the-woman-who-loved-lord-byron/